


"I Can't Be That Guy."

by iwritewhenimhappy



Series: Hope [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Gen, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Past Abuse, Sexuality Crisis, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 08:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18752788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritewhenimhappy/pseuds/iwritewhenimhappy
Summary: “You know it’s okay to like both, right? Men and women?” Maddie says carefully as her hand reaches out to rest on Buck’s shoulder. It’s a comforting gesture and Buck appreciates it greatly right now.“I know but I- I can’t.”





	"I Can't Be That Guy."

**Author's Note:**

> This sort of could be taken as an unofficial sequel to "As Long As You're Okay, I'm Okay." But it also can stand on its own so enjoy, and let me know what you think.

“Why can’t you just admit it?” Maddie says with a huff of exasperation as she folds her legs under herself and sits down on the couch with her glass of wine. She’s been trying to talk to Buck about this for weeks, but he’s always conveniently running off. Right now though, Buck is soon behind her, sitting down next to her with his own glass of wine in hand.

“There’s nothing to admit. Eddie and I are friends- good friends- great friends, actually.” Buck tells her before taking a sip of his wine.

“Come on Evan, I know you better than that. You like him. You liiikkee himmm.” She sing songs.

Buck glares at her but she continues her antics until finally he snaps and says, “No, Maddie! I don’t like him.”

 His voice is no longer playful, there’s real anger there and maybe even fear but all Maddie sees is the anger, and she flinches. It’s what gets Buck to snap out of his fury as he realizes what he’s doing, what he’s done. He’s scared his sister so bad that she’s flinching away from him, as if he were fucking Doug. The guilt hits him like a tone of bricks.

“I’m sorry, Mads.” Buck says almost immediately as he physically moves back, giving her space.

 There’s still fear on Maddie’s features but she shakes it off with a smile. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault, Buck, I just- I’m still you know, getting back to myself.”

 That’s the understatement of the year but Buck doesn’t push it not wanting to cause more pain for her, instead he tries to explain himself better. To make her understand and have her drop it once and for all. “He’s my friend, Maddie, that’s all. That’s all it ever can be.”

“What do you mean?”

 Maddie’s eyes are narrowed in concern and it makes Buck’s heart squeeze painfully. He looks away from her and answers with, “It doesn’t matter.”

“Hey, I’m here for you, little brother, you know that right? You can talk to me.”

 Buck looks down, his face lost in thought for a few long moments as he debates what he should tell her. It’s a tough decision, but she’s his sister. She’d love him no matter what, right? He sighs and looks up. “I know, I just- I- I work with Hen and she’s great. I don’t hold anything against her or anyone that likes the same, well you know. But for me? I can’t do that. I can’t be that guy.”

“You know it’s okay to like both, right? Men and women?” Maddie says carefully as her hand reaches out to rest on Buck’s shoulder. It’s a comforting gesture and Buck appreciates it greatly right now.

“I know but I- I can’t.”

“Why not? Please, just tell me. Just talk to me.” Maddie pushes.

 Buck stops and thinks for a moment before saying carefully, “Do you remember that night dad came home really drunk? And mom was so quiet? You thought they were mad at me for getting into that fight at school because of the black eye?”

 Maddie stops to think but she doesn’t have to for long as realization dawns on her. “Yeah, that kid Matthew Bloom who was giving you all that trouble. You came home and- well I told you I could take care of him for you but you begged me not to. You said it was a ‘man’s thing.’” Maddie rolls her eyes at that but once she sees the look on Buck’s face she pauses. “It was Matthew Bloom who did that to you, right?”

“I was fifteen and Rodney Harris from down the street came over to play Mario. No one was home, mom and dad were at work and you were with Vanessa. I don’t know, we were just fooling around when- well, he kissed me, and I- I kissed him back.”

“Buck-”

“No, let me finish.” Buck says holding up his hand. “The door slammed open and mom walked in. We pulled away but his shirt was off and mom’s not stupid. She was so calm. She told him to leave and he did, but as soon as he was gone- she hit me. She never hit me before, you know? But that wasn’t the worst part. Her eyes, they were so cold- so offended… I wasn’t her son anymore.” _And I never was again._

“Evan.” Maddie’s voice breaks as her eyes fill up with tears. She leans closer to pull her brother into a hug but Buck holds up his hand to stop her.

“Let me finish.” Buck tells her. “She called dad. He didn’t come home but- well you know the rest… I can’t be that guy, Mads. I couldn’t be that guy, so I pushed it down and- it was rough but I was okay. I am okay.”

 Maddie’s eyes are filled with tears and pain as she reaches out and pulls him in close. She hugs him fiercely, protectively and whispers in his ear, “I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again.”

“Me too- For you.” Buck promises right back.

“Wait.” Maddie says, pulling back. “Is this why you- why you…”

 She can’t finish getting out the words, but she doesn’t have to. Buck looks down, ashamed as he answers with, “Yeah.” He doesn’t like talking about what he did or was going to do when he was younger. He didn’t want to live with who he was but when that failed he pushed that side of him down. Forced it away in a box at the bottom of his being.

“I’m so sorry, Evan. I wish I knew. I wish I could have done more.” Maddie tells him sincerely.

 Buck smiles weakly. “I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell anyone.”

 Maddie can’t help but pull him into another hug, more loving, if that’s even possible, than the last one.

“I love you, so much.”

“I love you too, sis. And… Thanks. For everything.”


End file.
